Sweet and savage marriage. Why we do it.

Welcome to the first ever dose of savagery. I hope to this point I have not built up your anticipation with how spectacular my writing skills are. You were warned. I am opinionated, long-winded, and constantly sarcastic. If you do not understand my humor, well congratulations you are in the 98 percentile. For the 2% who get it, you are my people. Welcome!

Why do we get married? We ask this many times when our husbands, partners, significant others do really stupid stuff. For example, when they ask us a question about the kid’s schedules or our schedules like anything has changed. Babe, I love you but Cami’s soccer is on the same two nights every week for the last year. What makes this different from any other Monday? We love them, but sometimes we question why we got married din the first place.

Let’s start by looking at what we were told about marriage. I grew up in the mid 80s and 90s. I was subjected to the same fairytale stories as the next kid, none of this feminist princess girl power, hear me roar, I don’t need a love interest to be interesting movies like Moana or Brave. No, I grew up watching mildly strong women turn damsel in distress. The exception and my all-time favorite Disney princess, Mulan! Yes, she “fell in love” in the movie and it turned her all giddy, but she still raged a full-scale battle and saved said man from death. (can I get a hell yah girl power for this) So, maybe she is no Moana or Merida, but hello she was based on a real bad ass woman in China. Like, GI Jane, meet Mulan the woman who actually paved the way.

So, Mulan is the closest I got in my childhood to a full-on feminist princess. And since I am ranting she was never a princess, so full a badass​, warrior woman will do for me. Like most young girls all the other princess movies I watched had me yearning and idolizing these fairytales. I would pretend in my room and grew up wondering when my prince would come, knowing a man was the one who had the key to unlock a fairytale. But, I like to point out a few things that some of you will hate me for, others will laugh, and some will downright​ agree.

Now before I start, for full disclosure I have been married twice. Once because I was young impressable and we all go through a bad boy phase only I married one and well, I got two beautiful children out of it. There is much more to the story but this is not about my failed marriage and how I pulled myself from the ashes and rose again to find and marry my real prince charming whom I love very much and can say with complete confidence he is my best friend. I met him during my divorce. Scandal!!! I know right, well timing is not my strong suit. So, we married shortly after my divorce was finalized, and I can say he is my favorite person to annoy and I get to do it for the rest of his life. He adores me and adopted the kids because let’s​ face it, he is perfect.

My views are no reflection of him or our marriage only observations on marriage as a whole and well just downright funny things about it. Yes, some of you will call me names, be offended at my defiance of the sanctity of marriage, say I devalue marriage. I have a few words for you, sarcasm is my first language, penguins, and freedom of speech, you do not have to read this. So, if I offend you well that is awesome and tough shit. Grow up and understand that different opinions are key to survival and the foundation of nations. Nations also started wars but hey, no one is perfect and I never claim to be. Back to the whole marriage vs reality thing.

So nothing against Disney or princess movies, I subject my daughter to them still. Only, she is growing into quite the feminist so apparently, I am darn good at making clear fairytales are hard work and you have to make them yourself not rely on someone else to do it for you. Love is very very hard work. So yah, mother of the year award thank you! For all you who are like me and see fairytales as a flawed representation of love, you are the only people still reading this so thank you.

What we can learn from them is not the flaws in the ideals of a fairytale. We should look at the fact that many of these princesses needed to marry to rise in station, Cinderella for example. Yes, it could have been love at first sight (not something I believe in BTW, lust, at first sight, yes).

Side rant: when I saw my husband in his flight suite bend over I was like the dumb girl. That ass is fine. Then when I saw him working out sans shirt, I almost drooled.

So yes, lust is a powerful thing that feels a lot like love at first sight. But no my friend, I do not believe you can love someone you do not know and has not shown you in return they love you. Actions speak louder than words in my house. I must have lost a few of you again, so back to Cinderella.

She was poor, reduced to being a servant in her own home by her own step-mother who is an ultimate bitch, but it is just a reflection of her own insecurities. Who else isn’t threatened by the prettiest girl in the room? Cinderella meets the prince and all of a sudden love, or as I see it the golden ticket. Even if she doesn’t know he is the prince she saw a handsome young suitor who had money, influence, and could provide a way for her to escape her miserable life. That my friends is my point. We marry for all different reasons. Some princesses marry for love but let’s be honest for a second we marry for security. Let’s look at marriage from the past.

Women did not have the luxury to marry for love, even princesses married in exchange for peace treaties, money, security of family lineage. So why do we fool ourselves in believing anything has changed? Arrange marriages are mostly a thing of the past. Less and fewer people are getting married, why? Well, women in most countries have a choice if they want to marry and who they want to marry. It is slim picking ladies. Women also work which occupies our time tremendously. Then throw in pets.

Yes, I am obsessed with my dogs, had I not married again I would have many more dogs and my children to keep me plenty busy.

Women exchanged marriage and kids for jobs, dogs, and freedoms. If Cinderella was able to free herself from her step-mother without having to get married I bet she would have taken it. Then, she would have had plenty of time to find a man, date, and marry if she chose. Not out of desperation to change her situation, but because she actually wanted to. I think we get into this mentality that you grow up, get some education, get a job, marry, buy a house, have children, retire, and die. The American Dream Right?

What we forget is, it’s not the 1800’s. We can do all those things by choice on our own timeline or not at all. Well, maybe the job thing and somebody has to have children or humanity will be in big trouble, besides those two things, no one has to do anything in any type of order. I tried it, let me tell you, it doesn’t always end the way you hoped it would. Yah, right now it’s all good, but there was a time this type of thinking was a downward spiral in my life. It wasn’t until I had no one but myself left and only myself to blame that I realized I don’t have to do anything, well pay taxes, but you know what I mean. I thought for a long time why I needed to get married at 20 to a man I didn’t know very well. Why was I so focused on having children? Society, religion, Disney, my neighborhood, family, books, history, they all influenced why I felt pressure to do anything.

When was the last time you made a life decision without anyone else’s input or ideas? No influence from social media, spouses, friends. Something you decided on because you simply just wanted to do it. It’s hard I know. Let’s go back to marriage though.

I made a short list about what I was told about reasons to get married. Now, I must admit I was and am a religious person. Although my views are a bit controversial for many church teachings, I still hold my beliefs and I hope you all do as well, no matter what they are. But, these views influenced my ideas of marriage greatly.

Reasons to get married that we are told as a child.

Love

Wholeness

Purpose

Duty

Children

Financial stability

I might have left off a few but these were the key factors, so I thought. We are all told love is the answer. We are told once we are married, women especially hear this, we can feel whole. We feel whole because we fulfilled our feminine duty and our purpose. We are to please a man and we are to reproduce and raise children. Lastly, a spouse can provide financial stability. Two incomes are better than one and a man typically makes more money, so it adds to our finances and security.

Now, these reasons are all true. In my life especially. I love my husband, I feel whole knowing that I have someone to come home to, someone who enjoys coming home to me, most days, a sense of wholeness knowing that someone has my back, a purpose to think of someone other than myself, a duty to stay committed in my marriage. A duty to him, and to support him in whatever capacity. We already had children, but to raise children together as a team. And most importantly, to create a finically stable life for us and our children. None of these reasons are bad. The problem lies in the truth of marriage as an active entity which is ever changing.

What we do not like to do is admit to ourselves the real reasons we do things. Like why we actually get married. Yes, love that is still a factor, I will not take everything away from you. But what comes before love? Why do we date, have sex, join dating websites/apps? We are lonely. We get married because if you have a spouse you always have a companion. Well unless divorce or death occurs. Or you’re like me and are married to the military. In that case, you don’t marry because you’re lonely. Loneliness is issued in your sea bag. In fact, as I write this my husband is deployed. So, I know all about married loneliness. It was not the reason I got married that is for sure, but many do and this is a perfectly good reason to get married. Don’t be ashamed to say it, admit it, yell it, be honest with yourself.

Then the fun stuff, marriage equals sex. Yes, the best part is rolling over and just getting it on. No texting, sexting, shaving, lingerie, or dirty talk. Unless, someone has a libido issue or you just have a crappy sex life, in that case, I would consider getting a divorce. No one married should have bad sex. It is the best perk of marriage. Unashamed sex! Your parents know you do it, your religious leaders know you do it, literally the whole world knows marriage equals sex. It is great. You can experiment, lower the pressure, and just have fun getting it on anywhere you can. As long as it’s not against the law or public exposure. The law does not care if you are married. If you have sex in a public place, you can get arrested and then have to register as a sex offender, so be discrete but by all means,​ let your freak flag fly and have some crazy 50 shades sex. No need to be ashamed, its one penis or vagina the rest of your life, have fun with it. Sex toys are your friend and every once in a while, pretend your strangers. The quickest way to end a marriage, stop having sex or have a vanilla sex life.

Some other reasons to get married, snuggle buddy, foot warmer. Yes, many of us in the world suffer from cold feet at night. Why else would I have such high body temperatures if it was not their role to warm my feet at night? Get really good at it men and yep you guessed it, can lead to more sex.

More with the fun reasons to get married, you can blame your farts, bad smells, reasons for being late or not being able to attend at all on your spouse. You can annoy them and they are still obligated to somewhat care, but then they get to annoy you and it is a vicious cycle but secretly it is kind of fun.

Then there are my favorite parts of marriage, the honey can you do this for me or as some people call it the honey do list. I don’t like that term so I am going to call it, “the shit I don’t want to do, but my husband will list.” Come on, having a spouse is the best reason to be lazy. Especially if they are handy. People, marry someone who is handy. It will save you money, and if you’re like me then you like a man that looks like he can throw you over his shoulder and just well you know… sorry remember my husbands deployed I’m alone with my imagination for a few more months.

Then there are the more practical reasons like finances. Again, a honey can you do this for me, because I am terribly irresponsible with money and let’s face it I suck at math. I don’t know about you but raising a family and buying a house is not cheap. For those of you who can do it on your own,​ I applaud you and want your contact information to learn your magical ways. But really, I lived in California almost my whole life. It is not cheap. Being married and having the extra income really does make a difference in your life and the lives of your children and furchildren. Savings isn’t a myth anymore, it is obtainable.

For me this was a big deal. I went from a ​single military mom supporting two kids and paying for a divorce, which cost me over $10000 and my ex-husband practically nothing. I’m not bitter. Okay a little bitter, but the savage side of me was in full force so it turned out well, for me.

Having a husband who makes a steady income allowed me to leave the military and chase after my dream. Something I would not have been able to do before. Like sex, this is also a perk of marriage but should never be the main reason one marries. Money is always the quickest way to end a marriage. So, be careful how much value you put on it when finding a spouse or partner. You are no Cinderella.

And finally, my favorite practical reason I got married, I do not like to share what is mine. I had to put my husband on lockdown quick before he really got to know the savage side of me and found someone else. That ass was too fine to let loose, and well he has yet to disappoint.

So, if you made it this far thank you! I warned you, long-winded. Hopefully,​ you come back for a second dose of savagery. Until then, may you always be sweet and savage?

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