Alright mommas lets talk about mom boobs, mom bods, and the proof that our bodies are f***ing awesome! We make babies people! Freaken humans! We are the superior gender!
But…….lets also be real. What our bodies go through and what is left behind is not always our best self. We can be extremely proud of our bodies for developing and delivering tiny people, but we can also hate our bodies afterward. I’m not going to give you some motivational shit right now. Hello, sweet but very savage mom here. You don’t like your body, change it. In a healthy way, but be realistic in your fitness/health goals.
What I am going to give you is my own struggle with my floppy ass mom boobs. Like, what the F. I didn’t even get boobs till I was 17 only for them to be deflated by 21. Yes, I know I can buy new ones. That shit is expensive. I do not have the money for that. And if I did, I would rather spend the money going on vacation. With that said, if you are reading this and are a plastic surgeon, HOOK A MOMMA UP. For now, I’ll invest in sports bras and some military grade wire bras. I am not daring enough to go braless.
As you all are very aware, spring has arrived and summer is right behind it. For us mommas that means family vacation, pool days, and beach days. Which also means bathing suit season. If by now you have not gotten beach body ready, you’re not alone. While I understand that many of you saw my pictures and are pissed I am even talking about body image, first off judge much. Secondly, I work very hard to be in shape and I eat very healthy 95% of the time. I am not a lazy person, I can not sit still, and have been an athlete my entire life. I am also blessed with great genetics. My kids are also 9 and 8. So I have had time to fully recover from having children. Then there was the whole military thing. You get fit or you get forced out. You have six months to pass your fitness test or you’re on the fast track to unemployment.
With all that said, everyone is different. But we all have something in common, we have issues with something about our bodies. Something that is a constant reminder we had kids. For me, it’s my bazingas. I went from hardly a B to a DD during breast feeding. And I did that back to back. I breast fed my son for 8 months. Once all that was over I was left with a size C. Only, the C is at the very bottom of my boobs. I have a wonderful gap at the top of every bra. I can fit my whole hand from my collar bone to the top of where my boob even starts palm up fingers pointing down, not turned sideways. If you wanted a visual. The elasticity is gone. My boobs went from perky 20-year-old boobs to a sagging beanbag missing half the beans and the rest at the bottom. They need to be lifted and tucked inside a bra.
So yah, I hate my boobs. Love what they did, but now that they have served their purpose can they please go back to being a cute accessory. But without surgery, I am left with overly milked utters. Like for real, bouncing went to flopping. They have their own sound effects. Forget downward dog and doggie style, those things are going to pop right out or flop all over the place. They need to be tied down.
So now that swimsuit season has arrived I am constantly reminded that my boobs are wanderlust and want to go South, East, and West when they need to head due north.
Sorry about the rant, I digress. Swimsuit shopping is difficult for everyone. Us women have our own complexes about our bodies, no one is 100% happy with how they look. For moms bathing suit, shopping highlights our stretch marks who show their proud selves, skin that just won’t tighten, and boobs that will not be tamed. You know when you’re told to put a bra on bend over slightly? Well, that is how I eliminate swimsuits. If I jump around and bend over and a boob comes loose, a nip slips, or the top has a gap showcasing my mom boobs it will find itself on the floor.
I am a younger mom, I want to look like a younger mom. I still want to be sexy at the beach for my husband and ooze confidence. I cannot do that when my boobs fall out of everything and the suits I am left with are high neck or full coverage. I deserve to have a flattering suit! Right mommas?
I have a high neck suit, the one photographed below. It is my favorite but I need variety. I live in San Diego. I am at the beach and pool 60% of the year if not more. Also, I do not want a high neck tan line. I also do not want an extra strap on my chest making me look like I actually caged my boobs. Although they do need a cage sometimes. All these cute tops are great on girls with size A-B, had the $ to get new boobs, or those who never had kids. But for this momma, it is not going to work.
I love a good one piece, but I am proud of my abs and want to show them some sunshine. But, finding a two piece is damb near impossible. Bra type tops only showcase the lack of fullness. The pushup tops basically give my boobs and elevator ride to the sundeck. Meaning, they give my boobs less travel time to exit the top. A nip slip is a guarantee. This has actually happened to me on several occasions. Sorry community pool and beach goers. Recently I was digging a hole with my son and before I knew it I felt a cool breeze on my nip. The boob was completely exposed. My son saw it, as did the couple next to us, and a young group of beach goers. The young girls were pointing and whispering. Um ya you girls think your cute now. You’re looking at your future. You laugh now, but I will get the last laugh.
So I spend good money on a suite that will keep the girls in place, most the time, and I can still feel confident. The suits pictured are my four favorites with some feedback on each image. This will conclude my rant on mom boobs and why its okay to hate what the good lord gave you.
This suite is made by Becca Swimwear. I am wearing a size small. It fits true to size and comes in various colors. Why I love it, well the design is amazing. The detail is perfect on any size. The high neck keeps boobs caged, even if they do move out of place you cannot see unless you have dark nipples. I do not so I can flash the beach all day and no one notices. It also has an elastic band that goes under boobs and ties in back for extra support. The bottom is not too cheeky so if you are not ready to let them buns out, your good. I was a bit pricy $125+. I bought it a Everything But Water, but Amazon carries it as well, as does the designer. What I do not like, it is not for tanning. You will have a lace tan if you do not use sunscreen. It can also snag easily, so I would avoid diaper velcro and straw bags.
Okay, this one I have seen on instagram so much this season. It is also made by Becca, first true to size, and comes in a variety of colors. I love it! So sexy but still coverage. It does not have as much support for boobs, but it keep them pretty contained. Some adjustments are needed as movement occurs. It is not a beach sport swimsuit. So volleyball is not a good idea. Corn hole and digging in the sand, your okay. I love the detail. The belt looking midsection hits perfectly giving a retro vibe. It looks cute with a coverup or distressed shorts. The back has a strap similar to the one above. Giving support and the open back adds the extra sexy feature like the front. What I do not like. The color does not hold up in chlorine. I bought this suit last year and I now have a light blue bottom where I sat in chlorine pools. For how much this suit costs that was not okay with me. The color also bleeds the first few times you were it.
Hello side boob and booty. This is from Target. It was a had me down from a friend who originally bought it for herself. She didn’t like it, but I love it. It might not be as flattering in the boob part, but I do not care. It fits snug enough I can usually give myself a quick lift and tighten the straps and I am good to go. The bottom is a bit cheeky, but I like that look so I didn’t mind. Clearly last summer I was feeling extra confident at the water park. My friend snagged this picture. I am very proud of it and grateful to have friends who boost my confidence. This is my show off your mom side boob suit. I love it and wear it all the time. The back looks like suspenders. So cute! Unfortunately, Target does not make this exact suit but they do have similar ones online. If I find it I will share.
Lastly, my Forever 21 top. I know I was throwing shade at the bra top suites earlier, but this one actually fit. It was $13 total. The bottoms are from Cupshe. The top didn’t fit (big surprise) but I liked the bottoms and paired the two together. It basically looks like a strapless bra, but it has a bra like straps. It zips in the back. It is perfect and I need to find more like it. So great job Forever 21 for reaching those who are no longer 21. It even gave a bit of a lift due to the underwire. I wore it to a bachelorette in Palm Springs with a bunch of 20-year-olds and didn’t feel like I was the old lady of the group with saggy boobs. The only con was the straps get a bit stretched out. Easy fix, but they tend to fall down in the water. I just tucked them in and made it look like a strapless. Was perfect for tanning.
Hopefully, you enjoyed some confessions about my mom boobs and find the perfect swimsuit. Good luck! As always be a savage and sweet momma.